Current mood:

stressed

I feel like I'm walking around on a wire, like I'm so hair-triggered that the littlest thing will make me explode. And last night Remus caught the worst of it.

He came over to talk, and my whole place looks like shite, stuff everywhere. I look like complete hell. And Remus started prodding me about eating and sleeping and not smoking, when Ron's MISSING and who the fuck cares if I'm smoking?? and I just lost it. Punched the wall -- there's a dent in the plaster, I'll have to apologise to Filch -- and bruised my knuckles doing it. I couldn't believe he was talking to me about my health like there was nothing else to be bothered about, and on top of what Snape said the other night -- carrying on as if Ron wasn't important in the least -- I just snapped.

I know I've got a bloody awful temper, but why did Remus have to see it?

He was right though. He's always right. I don't do anyone any good if I'm coughing up a lung or sitting around staring at an empty bottle. It's a damn cowardly thing to do, sit and self-destruct. Part of me just wanted to push him away and say SOD OFF, LET ME WORK THIS OUT ALONE. I don't do well with someone watching over me, I never have.

I expected him to storm out, after what I said; I really thought he'd just shut the door and leave me punching walls. But he was just there... not judging me, not wanting anything, just there... and I realised he wasn't going anywhere. It was... I still don't know what to make of it.

I think I must have dropped off on the couch last night while we were talking. Slept like a dead man. First real night's sleep I've had since Ron... I hope Remus didn't mind. Feel some better though.

The twins have some insane plot they're hatching, and for once I don't mind, if they lead us to any clues about what's happened. I trust them not to endanger themselves too much, but I can't help worrying about them as well. Sometimes they get in over their heads and I hope to Merlin they know what they're doing.

I keep thinking about him, and what he might be doing right now, and hoping that wherever he is, he's had something to eat, that no one's hurt him too much. And then I wish like mad that it was me instead of him.

Still smoking, but only two after supper so far.

We'll see how it goes.