Current mood:

loved

I've just looked back at the last thing I wrote in here and everything's so different now. I don't know if I can rightly put into words how abruptly things have changed. It seems the past few months were a long blur of sleepless nights and a huge gaping empty hole in my life where Remus used to be, and now They're gone and Remus is back and we're... just bloody wonderful is what we are. Sickeningly so.

And strangest of all, one of the things that made me understand how I feel about Remus was watching Snape step towards the Veil and offer himself in Sirius' place. Watching Snape... I understood how he felt. When I watched Remus transform, at long last -- it was like something was ripping me apart just a little bit, knowing I couldn't take his place, or share any of his pain to lessen it. I admit it's still bizarre to think of Snape feeling that way about Sirius, or about anyone, but now having witnessed it... it makes me think love like that doesn't need to be questioned. And it's made me realise that if I feel that way about someone myself, whether it's a werewolf or a banshee or a sodding hippogriff, I've got to hold onto it, because it's not every day you feel you would step in front of the Veil for someone else.

Which is why I asked Remus to marry me.

It was completely unplanned -- of course I did it on the spur of the moment, something I can't seem to prevent. Remus sort of said it first and then I sort of said I would too, and then once it was out there I just couldn't let things lie -- but -- it was right. Fleur, on the other hand... with Fleur, it got to the point where I started thinking proposing would be the proper course of action, only fitting and all that. But I could never find the right moment, or think of the right way to do it. I drove myself mad trying to think of some way I could really sweep her off her feet. But the fact that I couldn't imagine a way to do it was a sign, I think... because when it's right -- I mean, I proposed to Remus in the staff lounge with SEVERUS BLOODY SNAPE WALKING IN ON US and it was one of the most thrilling fantastic moments in my life. No doubt bubotuber pus could have rained from the ceiling and it still would have been brilliant.

But I want to keep it under wraps for a while, at least for the moment. I haven't told Mum and Dad yet. I saw them in Hogsmeade yesterday, for the purpose of telling them Remus and I were serious again, and that in itself was a lot for Mum to handle. I really want them to get used to this idea, because God knows it's a lot to get used to... and I don't want anything to be awkward for Mum or Dad or Remus. Turned out to be the right course of action, I think, because Dad took things rather well, but Mum was pretty sad about it. I think she's always had certain hopes for me, being the eldest and all, and I think in some way this has let her down quite a bit. And I'm sad to disappoint her, but hopefully she'll get her GrandWeasleys out of us someday despite everything.

That is a bit of a worry. I want kids -- six or seven is what I was hoping for. And Remus wants kids. I'll be thirty-one in a bit over a week, and Remus is quite a bit older. But no idea how we'd do it, seeing as he's not allowed to be a biological father... well, something to worry about in the future, I suppose. And we've got Ron and Hermione to give Mum her GrandWeasleys in the meantime.

Ron and Hermione!! I've forgotten to say until now. My kid brother is getting MARRIED. I'm dead chuffed about it really, I think Hermione's brilliant and Ron's not too daft himself if he's decided to make it official. They're a bit young but I recall Mum and Dad were as well... but it'll be a good thing whenever it happens. Good on Ron.

I do need to talk to Hermione at some point, and Harry as well I suppose -- they took the Animagus course and they can both transform, and I'm running into a bit of confusion with some of my preliminary spellwork, and Professor McGonagall's explanations can be a bit cryptic. After watching Remus at the last full moon I've been spending most of my free time doing the preparatory work for my own transformation, but it's quite intricate. I'm very impressed that a handful of the seventh-years were successful at it.

Losing my train of thought -- I can't seem to concentrate too well after giving up my lighter to Remus as a ring. I've been thinking of cutting back on smoking because it's not nearly as fun to light up with magic, but it appears to be a difficult habit to break. I didn't really think I was smoking all that much,but I keep groping for the damn lighter all day long. I suppose I've got to buckle down and give it a go. After one more smoke, maybe. This'll be the last. Possibly.

Bugger.