Current mood:

restless

So I'm officially an old geezer now. Ron's present was the nail in the coffin. A bloody walker for God's sake! True, it's a walking stick too, with a fang on it which is pretty wicked, but it turns into A WALKER. Among other things. I've got to hand it to Ron and the twins though, I haven't had a laugh like that in ages.

Probably because quitting smoking is the WORST FUCKING THING EVER. It's been weeks and I still feel crotchety and irritable and edgy and I lose my temper at the slightest thing. I've been noticing my favourite jeans are getting a bit snug and I'd wager it's all the sodding scones I've been eating. And Mum sent dozens more for my birthday, which isn't helping matters. I want to do this, for myself and for Remus as well, but I hate the person I've become without the evil things. Even more than that, I hate that I've become dependent on something. I didn't think I was -- I thought I could quit anytime, that it would be easy enough to give it up. I never really considered myself a smoker after all. But I suppose I am, and the thing of it is, I'm not even sure how much longer I can hold out without them.

On the bright side I've been in desperate need of distraction and Remus has done a brilliant job providing it. I never knew sex could be like this. I'm accustomed to being in control, to being the one in charge of certain situations, and with Remus it's completely different. When the moon's waxing he just gets this look and I can barely contain myself. Closest I've ever come to feeling this way was when Fleur decided to turn on the Veela in her from time to time... but even then, we didn't ever break major pieces of furniture or anything. This is something else entirely.

The full moons are really starting to get to me, however. I can't be there for him and it's killing me. Sirius can, and I know I shouldn't be jealous, but he was in love with Sirius for most of his life, it's not as if those kinds of feelings go away instantly. I trust Remus of course... but I'm the one who should be there for him at full moons now. I've been trying to sneak extra hours working on the Animagus transformation without raising Remus' suspicions. I think I've made quite a bit of headway recently-- I feel like I'm on the verge of understanding what my form might be, and it's a bit scary, to be honest. I get little flashes of seeing the world differently from time to time when I'm working on the transformation. All I can tell at this point is that my animal form seems to be a good size, because I'm not low to the ground, and I'm not high in the air either.

Anyway I'd best get back to work on that. I want to clear my head with a smoke, but I'll can't, so I'll just keep muddling through. Most likely I'll lose my mind quite soon.

Where are those damn birthday scones, then?