Bill Weasley

At last.

2005-05-29T20:52:11Z

It's a gorgeous spring day and I've just spent the past half hour mowing the lawn in the back garden of our new house. I could've done it with magic, but it's so bloody nice outside I figured I'd just push around this charming little Muggle machine my dad found for us. Cut grass smells lovely.

I can't believe, after all this, that we're here. If you'd asked me a few years ago what I'd be doing today I would've guessed I'd either be deep in a tomb somewhere, or dead. Or married to Fleur and working in London for Gringotts, and wondering why everything seemed so colourless and dreary. I never really visualised any other alternative. So to have something I've never even dreamed about -- it's absurd. I feel like laughing. It's like someone's having some great beautiful joke at my expense. Only it's not a joke, it's all real, the end of the war and this little house and Remus and this ring on my finger. My family alive and well, and my kid brother about to leave Hogwarts and get married. And... Tonks.

Tonks is doing something for us that I'll never in my life be able to repay, and I still can't figure out what on Earth we've done to deserve it. She sent us a letter a while ago saying she'd help us if we wanted to have children, if the war ended and all. It seemed like such a far-off dream. But the war's over and one day not too long ago she and I went to London, to St.Mungo's, and sat there all day and went through a whole mess of spells and enchantments and potions and possibly a charm or two. And they've just Owled us to say it's worked.

I'm going to be a father.

I've got to break the news to everyone. A GrandWeasley for my Mum. A Grand-Lupin-Weasley... perhaps we'll give the child both names. I suppose there will be all sorts of pandemonium once my parents get used to the idea that Tonks has offered to be our surrogate mum. Right now, though, I just want to sit in the sun and let it all sink in. Remus is in Hogsmeade at the moment but he'll be home soon, and we've got loads of work to do on the house. A nursery to paint, for one thing. Though I suppose we have nine months to do that particular task.

I imagine I've sunburned my shoulders, sitting out here. Remus will have my hide for that I'm sure. There are worse things. ;)

But the strangest thing of all, on this absurdly brilliant day?

I have absolutely no desire for a smoke.

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2004-12-26T22:14:13Z

It was a lovely Christmas. Seemed like there were a million people at the Burrow, but it didn't really matter, since Remus was there. I was worried he'd be overwhelmed, and Mum was terribly old-fashioned and wouldn't let him share my room -- I don't know who she thinks she's protecting, as even Ginny's quite old enough to know everything -- but it was wonderful nonetheless. Remus just fits with us. With me.

I can't wait to show him, tonight.

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2004-12-12T23:41:42Z

Well.

This is... quite something.

I mastered the transformation on Thursday night. Just held it for a moment. Couldn't even tell what I was before I came out of it, and I was so knackered from the effort that I fell asleep on the spot. Tried again the next night and the second time was a bit easier, and I got a feel for four legs, a tail, and really fucking large teeth before I transformed back again. The third time was easier still. Now I've done it back and forth a couple dozen times or so and got a good sight of myself in the mirror and BLOODY HELL I'M A LION.

I never really had a clear idea of what I would be, but the first time I found my form it was like something snapped into place. It was so jarring it almost hurt, but a good kind of hurt, like my arm had been dislocated and I didn't even know until someone popped it back into place. I suppose that's a rather unpleasant analogy but I can't quite describe it otherwise. And when I'm the lion, I feel... like myself, only more so. Sort of like I've been amplified... like a Muggle guitar. My senses are insanely acute, and it feels like if I got angry it would be a hundred times worse than usual. And a hundred times louder.

It's funny, because I've still got this huge amount of red hair.

I can't WAIT to show Remus. I know he must suspect something -- I've been holed up in my room for ages trying to master this, and I'm not sure he's bought all my excuses of work and research and some bloody thing or other for Gringotts. And now it's going to be nearly impossible to keep this a secret until Christmas. Because that's when I'd like to tell him -- I know the full moon falls the day after Christmas this year and I can't think of a better present. It's going to be brilliant, I'm big enough that I'll be good company for him. I must admit I was rather worried I'd end up a chicken or some other werewolf snack, and then it'd all have been for nothing.

For now I'll keep practising whenever I can, but I've got to be sure no one catches me at it so the surprise isn't ruined. Too bad though, it's terribly comfortable lounging around as a lion. I nearly fell asleep next to the fire last night because it felt so wonderful on my fur.

My fur. How bloody ridiculous.

I suppose it's no surprise I was in Gryffindor.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-12-09T23:11:00

2004-12-10T07:11:39Z

Working on the transformation, and I think I may have finalised the preparations -- now it's just a matter of

I feel a bit strange.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-11-29T20:38:00

2004-11-30T04:38:20Z

So I'm officially an old geezer now. Ron's present was the nail in the coffin. A bloody walker for God's sake! True, it's a walking stick too, with a fang on it which is pretty wicked, but it turns into A WALKER. Among other things. I've got to hand it to Ron and the twins though, I haven't had a laugh like that in ages.

Probably because quitting smoking is the WORST FUCKING THING EVER. It's been weeks and I still feel crotchety and irritable and edgy and I lose my temper at the slightest thing. I've been noticing my favourite jeans are getting a bit snug and I'd wager it's all the sodding scones I've been eating. And Mum sent dozens more for my birthday, which isn't helping matters. I want to do this, for myself and for Remus as well, but I hate the person I've become without the evil things. Even more than that, I hate that I've become dependent on something. I didn't think I was -- I thought I could quit anytime, that it would be easy enough to give it up. I never really considered myself a smoker after all. But I suppose I am, and the thing of it is, I'm not even sure how much longer I can hold out without them.

On the bright side I've been in desperate need of distraction and Remus has done a brilliant job providing it. I never knew sex could be like this. I'm accustomed to being in control, to being the one in charge of certain situations, and with Remus it's completely different. When the moon's waxing he just gets this look and I can barely contain myself. Closest I've ever come to feeling this way was when Fleur decided to turn on the Veela in her from time to time... but even then, we didn't ever break major pieces of furniture or anything. This is something else entirely.

The full moons are really starting to get to me, however. I can't be there for him and it's killing me. Sirius can, and I know I shouldn't be jealous, but he was in love with Sirius for most of his life, it's not as if those kinds of feelings go away instantly. I trust Remus of course... but I'm the one who should be there for him at full moons now. I've been trying to sneak extra hours working on the Animagus transformation without raising Remus' suspicions. I think I've made quite a bit of headway recently-- I feel like I'm on the verge of understanding what my form might be, and it's a bit scary, to be honest. I get little flashes of seeing the world differently from time to time when I'm working on the transformation. All I can tell at this point is that my animal form seems to be a good size, because I'm not low to the ground, and I'm not high in the air either.

Anyway I'd best get back to work on that. I want to clear my head with a smoke, but I'll can't, so I'll just keep muddling through. Most likely I'll lose my mind quite soon.

Where are those damn birthday scones, then?

egyptian_bill @ 2004-11-14T13:46:00

2004-11-14T21:46:31Z

I've just looked back at the last thing I wrote in here and everything's so different now. I don't know if I can rightly put into words how abruptly things have changed. It seems the past few months were a long blur of sleepless nights and a huge gaping empty hole in my life where Remus used to be, and now They're gone and Remus is back and we're... just bloody wonderful is what we are. Sickeningly so.

And strangest of all, one of the things that made me understand how I feel about Remus was watching Snape step towards the Veil and offer himself in Sirius' place. Watching Snape... I understood how he felt. When I watched Remus transform, at long last -- it was like something was ripping me apart just a little bit, knowing I couldn't take his place, or share any of his pain to lessen it. I admit it's still bizarre to think of Snape feeling that way about Sirius, or about anyone, but now having witnessed it... it makes me think love like that doesn't need to be questioned. And it's made me realise that if I feel that way about someone myself, whether it's a werewolf or a banshee or a sodding hippogriff, I've got to hold onto it, because it's not every day you feel you would step in front of the Veil for someone else.

Which is why I asked Remus to marry me.

It was completely unplanned -- of course I did it on the spur of the moment, something I can't seem to prevent. Remus sort of said it first and then I sort of said I would too, and then once it was out there I just couldn't let things lie -- but -- it was right. Fleur, on the other hand... with Fleur, it got to the point where I started thinking proposing would be the proper course of action, only fitting and all that. But I could never find the right moment, or think of the right way to do it. I drove myself mad trying to think of some way I could really sweep her off her feet. But the fact that I couldn't imagine a way to do it was a sign, I think... because when it's right -- I mean, I proposed to Remus in the staff lounge with SEVERUS BLOODY SNAPE WALKING IN ON US and it was one of the most thrilling fantastic moments in my life. No doubt bubotuber pus could have rained from the ceiling and it still would have been brilliant.

But I want to keep it under wraps for a while, at least for the moment. I haven't told Mum and Dad yet. I saw them in Hogsmeade yesterday, for the purpose of telling them Remus and I were serious again, and that in itself was a lot for Mum to handle. I really want them to get used to this idea, because God knows it's a lot to get used to... and I don't want anything to be awkward for Mum or Dad or Remus. Turned out to be the right course of action, I think, because Dad took things rather well, but Mum was pretty sad about it. I think she's always had certain hopes for me, being the eldest and all, and I think in some way this has let her down quite a bit. And I'm sad to disappoint her, but hopefully she'll get her GrandWeasleys out of us someday despite everything.

That is a bit of a worry. I want kids -- six or seven is what I was hoping for. And Remus wants kids. I'll be thirty-one in a bit over a week, and Remus is quite a bit older. But no idea how we'd do it, seeing as he's not allowed to be a biological father... well, something to worry about in the future, I suppose. And we've got Ron and Hermione to give Mum her GrandWeasleys in the meantime.

Ron and Hermione!! I've forgotten to say until now. My kid brother is getting MARRIED. I'm dead chuffed about it really, I think Hermione's brilliant and Ron's not too daft himself if he's decided to make it official. They're a bit young but I recall Mum and Dad were as well... but it'll be a good thing whenever it happens. Good on Ron.

I do need to talk to Hermione at some point, and Harry as well I suppose -- they took the Animagus course and they can both transform, and I'm running into a bit of confusion with some of my preliminary spellwork, and Professor McGonagall's explanations can be a bit cryptic. After watching Remus at the last full moon I've been spending most of my free time doing the preparatory work for my own transformation, but it's quite intricate. I'm very impressed that a handful of the seventh-years were successful at it.

Losing my train of thought -- I can't seem to concentrate too well after giving up my lighter to Remus as a ring. I've been thinking of cutting back on smoking because it's not nearly as fun to light up with magic, but it appears to be a difficult habit to break. I didn't really think I was smoking all that much,but I keep groping for the damn lighter all day long. I suppose I've got to buckle down and give it a go. After one more smoke, maybe. This'll be the last. Possibly.

Bugger.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-10-12T16:36:00

2004-10-12T23:36:32Z

They're waking up again. I still can't sleep much, but the thought of a cure has put my mind at ease a bit, even though I'm not entirely happy with the cure itself. But in this case, as Slytherin as it sounds, I think the ends justify the means. And it seems those who've awakened don't have much memory of the spell, so we'll just have to watch for any residual effects.

Saw Remus last night. He told me that Seamus came to see him... God, poor Seamus. Remus lent a sympathetic ear in the way only Remus can, and they ended up chatting about careers and the future, and Seamus mentioned he's interested in curse-breaking as a career. I think he'd make a fine curse-breaker and he's doing a bang-up job in my class, all things considered, so I'll try to talk with him first chance I get.

Remus said he told Seamus that sometimes new and unexpected things can come out of great loss, and when he looked at me as he said it... I knew what he was talking about, it was quite plain in his eyes. Just thinking about it makes me go all funny inside. I'm such a lovesick idiot. The waiting is killing me, and I told him so. If he keeps looking at me like that I'm not going to hold myself responsible for my actions.

We also got around to chatting about family things -- my family, to be exact. Lately it seems I've been at odds with Ron, and I know Ginny must resent me for not being able to get them into the Order. There's a big difference between us right now -- I'm in the Order, they're not; I'm a professor (of sorts, as Ron reminded me), they're students. I've got to be objective as an Order member and a teacher, but I want act the part of their brother as well, and it's not easy to do both. Remus suggested I make some time to hang out just doing family things, and he's right of course, so I've asked them to go flying with me. I'll try to explain about the Order situation as well, and why they can't be let in at the moment... but first I'm just going to be Big Brother Bill again for a little while. If they'll let me.

Right, time to read a few more sixth-year essays on disarming common curses on family crypts. A sure cure for insomnia if ever there was one.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-09-29T22:19:00

2004-09-30T05:19:37Z

I'd say some shite about how I've been too busy to write in here, except that would take too much time and I've got far too much to sort out at the moment, so it's best to get right into it.

Remus.

Remus came to see me last week to tell me that he and Sirius had broken up. I don't think I had even entertained the idea that they'd call it off, so it's come as something of a shock. Part of me feels relieved, but part of me feels fairly awful. They were together for years, I can hardly think of one without the other really. Best mates at school even. And even though Remus told me it wasn't on my account, I can't help feeling guilty regardless.

But he also told me he'd chosen me.

And that feels fucking great. It feels like I'm alive again in a way. Like I had been just drifting, or waiting for something... and now I'm here again. Everything's chaos as usual, I still can't sleep, a million things are about to fly apart, but I'm here. I dunno why Remus makes me feel like this but I'm beyond questioning it. I know he needs time now, and if I'm going to be honest about it, I probably need a bit of time as well, but waiting won't be easy. Every time I see him it's all I can do not to smile like an idiot.

There's only one thing that's not right yet... Remus stopped by the other night to tell me that Sirius spent the full moon with him. Nothing happened between them, of course -- I trust Remus -- but I can't help thinking... that should be me. I want to be there for him. I know it'll be a while before Remus lets me see him transform, and I know the Wolfsbane potion makes it relatively safe... I'm not afraid, but I know Remus has been having nightmares about hurting people and he's right uneasy about letting me be there, for that reason.

So I've had an idea, and I'm going to see Professor McGonagall about it first thing tomorrow. I just hope I have time to do it, and that I can do it in secret without Remus knowing, because I'm not sure if he'd approve... but I've got to do it. For Remus.

So there's that. And a million other things. People in the castle are still falling into the 'sleeping death,' so to speak, and Professor Sinistra was one of the latest which is terrifying. Hermione almost did the other day and it scared the shite out of me, and I'm sure it scared Ron a thousand times worse. Snape's been doing a lot of research and it seems he's onto something. I hope we figure out what the hell to do before everyone succumbs to... Them, to whatever's got a hold on this castle.

Everything's all linked to Sirius somehow, and it seems he's both holding it together and falling apart, it's impossible to tell. I can't say how glad I was to see him post what he did. I just hope Remus hasn't put himself into a difficult position by supporting him... I had a bit of a row with Snape about that. Well, all right, not "a bit of a row." I wanted to hex him sideways after what he said, and I very nearly did when I ran into him in the hall Sunday night.

But we ended up drinking all night instead. In one of the most brilliant rooms I've seen in this castle, at that. The wine cellar. And Snape is just... I can't explain it. One minute I'm looking at him and seeing red and feeling like I'm a breath away from throttling him, and the next minute we're insulting each other over drinks and then an hour later I'm telling him shite I haven't even told Tonks or Charlie yet, and he's telling me things I'm certain he hasn't told anyone either. It's... I dunno. He's Snape and yet... we're going through the same thing right now. Except he's determined to keep his silence and sit in his dungeon, and I really wish he wouldn't. I say that without knowing what on earth Sirius would possibly say if Snape came clean to him... but something like that shouldn't be left unsaid forever.

I did tell Tonks and Charlie tonight about how things stand with Remus now. They seemed... even more comfortable together than usual. I dunno, maybe I was just looking for something there, since Tonks told me how she felt about Charlie a while back. I'm probably imagining things, my head's not on straight these days what with everything going on.

I've been so distracted I haven't gotten around to chatting with Ron or Gin or Mum or Dad, and I've got to get things straight with Ron and Ginny about the Order. I haven't known what to tell them, it's all so dependent on Harry knowing Occlumency and I'm not sure they'll accept that as an answer. I can't full well tell them I don't trust them not to talk to Harry about things... but the thing is, I'm not sure I do trust them not to talk to Harry, even if everything depends on it. And I'm not sure they'd want to be in that position anyway. But I do need to get things straight with them. I think they might have expected I'd be able to do more about getting them into the Order. I hope they'll understand, but the trick is that they're Weasleys and we've got a bit of a temper sometimes.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I had a really interesting conversation with Zacharias Smith the other night, it turns out he's quite a music fan, and plays a Fender as well! We've got to chat sometime, it'll be a welcome distraction to talk music with someone.

Gah. My head's about to explode from getting all this down. Need a fag. And a bit of guitar practise.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-09-14T22:11:00

2004-09-15T05:11:48Z

Still not sleeping well. I think it's starting to wreak havoc on my short-term memory. I can't remember what I've had for breakfast or whether it's Tuesday or Thursday. I hope to God it doesn't interfere with my teaching because I'm just getting into the swing of things.

Seamus came to see me last night. It's something I didn't count on, this part of being a professor. Knowing what to say when someone comes to you, asking those sorts of questions. He wanted to know how Dean died, whether he felt anything. I didn't know what to say at all -- I just told him the truth. They were best mates, and he deserved to know. But I don't know whether it was the right thing to do, to tell him about it. The lad looked so shaken when he left my office, and I know he's a mate of Ron's but I still don't know him well enough to guess whether he'll be all right. I've told Remus about it, and I'll have a chat with Professor McGonagall as well. And I'm going to keep an eye out for Seamus, see if he seems all right in class. What he must be going through... I mean, if I lost my best mate...

Not thinking about that, though. I need my sleep and I won't get any thinking that way.

Still got lessons to plan. Maybe I'll read in bed. If things get desperate on the sleep front, maybe I'll go find Professor Binns and ask him to lecture me for a bit.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-09-03T23:35:00

2004-09-04T05:21:36Z

I managed to teach my classes this week. I was entirely nervous last week, couldn't think about much else... worked all weekend getting things ready. And now they've just gone by like so many other things, like breakfasts and suppers and everything else, because it seems like things are falling apart in our hands. We just sit here, spinning our wheels, researching and analysing and trying our best to stay one step ahead, when it seems we're falling farther and farther behind.

I was the first to find Padma after her housemates did. Her face keeps coming back to me... so young, so completely absent of life. Like a mask. And I know death, I mean, it was my job, in a sense, and this was as much like death as anything I've seen. I tried to revive her. I thought she was gone, from the moment I laid eyes on her. And it turns out she's not gone, or, not really. But her face keeps coming back.

And then Dean.

When Harry and Ron didn't answer -- God, I thought that was it. I thought Ron was dead. When I got up there I fully expected to see the both of them dead. When I didn't it was a shock. What I did see, though, was still more of a shock than... than anything I'd have been prepared for.

Dean Thomas. Bloody nice kid. One of Ron's yearmates for God's sake.

What are we doing, if the Order can't stop this from happening? It feels like we're a handful of pebbles thrown at a rampaging giant. Bouncing off harmlessly while these wonderful kids have their lives cut short.

Remus was there, when we found him. In all the horror it was one thing that steadied me a bit. Thank God for that.

And whatever it is that's in the castle now, waiting for Sirius... I can feel it now. Now that I've seen those kids. Can't sleep. And when I do... dreams, like I've never had. Dreams about what I've seen in Egypt. Dreams about things I'd hoped I had forgotten.

Now I don't think I can ever forget.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-08-24T14:14:00

2004-08-24T21:14:52Z

I had a hangover this morning that almost made me want to swear off firewhiskey altogether. Except that Charlie came by with breakfast at an absurdly early hour, took one look at me, and came back in with a hangover potion, so I'm nearly myself again. I completely forgot Charlie said last night that he was coming with food. Now he must think I don't eat AND I'm a hopeless drunk. Which may not be entirely far from the truth.

I wouldn't have drunk so much though -- I do know my limits -- except that I was with Snape. SNAPE of all bloody people. And what's the first thing I do when I ask him to have a drink with me? Throw back a glass of whiskey and tell him point blank that he's in love with Sirius. BRILLIANT, BILL. You know how they say "if looks could kill?" I think Snape would have killed me eighty times over last night.

But it's not like he's Mr Congeniality himself. I ended up blurting about his feelings for Sirius only because he immediately lay into me for being in the Hog's Head in the first place. Said I was sulking. Bloody well right I'm sulking, and it's none of his sodding business! And then he sat there and read me like an open book. I couldn't just smile back at him and pretend I didn't know anything about his own affairs.

So one thing led to another and pretty soon everything was out in the open. And I started to realise... he's not a bad bloke. He's as smart as they come. He's just ornery and depressing and irritable and completely pessimistic and unreasonably nasty, is all. But even though he irked me to hell and back, I couldn't stop talking, and it wasn't as though he was shutting up either.

He does love Sirius. He told me. It was one thing when it was just a theory but now that Snape's SAID it I just can't believe it. SNAPE. Snape has feelings for Sirius! When on all accounts it seems he should hate him and want to curse him all the way back to Azkaban. And there I was telling him not to give up hope. No idea why I said any of that, except I know how he feels.

He thinks Remus still has feelings for me. It's one thing to imagine it, and it's another thing entirely to have someone else -- SNAPE no less -- say it. I didn't need to be reminded that I was sitting in a pub like a bloody coward, fully knowing that I'm in love with someone who might well love me back but for his feelings of duty towards someone else.

But maybe it's not duty at all. Maybe Remus does love Sirius, and Snape is dead wrong. I'd be willing to believe it if Snape hadn't been right about every other sodding thing.

But that was last night, and if I think about it any more my head will start to throb again which won't be pleasant.

I went to Diagon Alley on Sunday to help chaperone the trip. Ron and I had a long chat which was much needed. He told me about what he and Harry and Hermione had discovered, about the blood protection, and I'm glad I got to hear it from him rather than just through the Order. He's worried about it, I can tell, but I'm going to get to work on figuring out how to make the Burrow safe... or wherever the three of them end up.

Ron also mentioned that Hermione's interested in charms writing as a career, and I'm hoping I can help her out a bit if she needs it. The improvisation needed in curse-breaking is actually a somewhat similar skill, and curse-breaking is highly reliant on charms as well as countercurses.

How did Snape know I want to teach now, anyway? That's one thing I'm still puzzling over. It's not like I've been really outspoken about it -- I just filled in for Flitwick last term when they asked me. I suppose I may have to pack up when the summer term is over, and that's not something I'm looking forward to, but I certainly haven't advertised that I'd like to stay on and teach again.

I did get to chat with Remus on the trip, which was both great and miserable. Great while we were chatting, of course. We managed to catch up on all number of things -- my research on Sirius' markings, the blood protection spell, things like that -- and it was fine to be talking about Sirius at the time, but later, he mentioned he had picked some things up for Sirius, and when I got to thinking about that I just got miserably jealous. Which I hate.

That's why I was in the Hog's Head to begin with.

But Snape's words had some effect. I've got to stop sulking -- or at least, visibly sulking. This has never happened to me before, this extended sulking business. With Fleur I spent about a week at the Leaky Cauldron and then I was all right. Not great, but coping. But then again, I've never felt like this about anyone else.

So yeah. Less drinking, less smoking, more visits to the Great Hall. I don't need Charlie worrying over me, he's more like Mum than he'll ever admit! I've got the occasional project for Gringotts and all this research to do here at school, I've just got to remember to focus on it. If I can.

Hangon, an Owl's just dropped something off for me. Going to sign off for now.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-08-12T22:56:00

2004-08-13T04:56:45Z

I've been shut up in here most of the day researching. It's all for the best, really. If I talked to anyone in my current mental state they'd likely cart me away to St.Mungo's.

I kissed him.

God, what was I thinking? Well, more like, not thinking. As usual. How many times do I have to lose my head before I can learn from the experience and learn to THINK before I... well, before I kiss someone when it's the worst bloody thing I possibly could have done at that moment?

But I was just rattled. I mean, Snape summoned me into that cosy little conference without a word of warning and I never quite recovered. Finding out that Luna Lovegood is a Necromens... that certain entities, whomever they may be, are out for Sirius... that was all a lot to take in, but it was nothing compared to what I realised about Snape.

I've been blind, not seeing it before. Snape has feelings for Sirius. I wouldn't have ever believed such a thing, but if Sirius Black can return from the dead, then Severus Snape can have feelings for someone. (Feelings other than bitterness, hatred, or loathing, that is.) And even more unbelievable... Sirius? But it has to be true. The way Snape talks about him -- the way he acts when he's around. I can see it because... I feel that way about Remus. I can recognise it in someone else, even someone as twisted as Snape.

Although, day by day I'm starting to rethink my opinion of Snape. He may be a despicable, vindictive, overbearing git, but he's astoundingly knowledgeable, even more so than I believed him to be when he was my professor. I've almost... enjoyed some of our conversations about the markings, in a strange way. Now he's been summoned to a meeting and I find myself hoping he'll get out all right.

After all, the man can brew.

But now I've completely sidetracked from the issue at hand, which is not surprising considering I can barely stand to think about it.

When I saw Remus touch Sirius... it almost made me ill. I thought I could handle it -- after all, I've seen them together before, loads of times. But this was different. I had to leave -- I couldn't be there a minute longer. And I saw Remus going back to his rooms, and I could tell how he was feeling just by the way he was walking... and I had to do something. I didn't think. But I've mentioned that bit already.

And then, the way he looked at me...

I could have sworn there was something there. It hasn't gone away, what we had.

And now I'm going to be seeing him more often, most likely, if we're both working on researching for Ron's eyes -- still no luck on that -- and Sirius' markings.

I think I'm just going to go and see how much of Snape's brew I have left.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-08-08T15:26:00

2004-08-08T22:25:56Z

Snape came to visit me. The old bat actually left his dungeons and came up here to ask my help. I'm not sure who was more surprised about this turn of events -- me or him. Swept in like he was Merlin's own grandson and demanded I look at drawings of tattoos which have mysteriously appeared on Sirius Black since his time beyond the veil.

And that's when things got really unbelievable. The markings are unlike anything I've ever seen, save for in a textbook. I translated a line of hieroglyphs -- that's what Snape needed me for -- and they were phrases from the Pyramids, the likes of which have probably never been written anywhere else before. I almost didn't believe they were real. But the thing is, if someone's having a joke on our behalf, they've gone to a hell of a lot of trouble to do it. There aren't many wizards who know hieroglyphs backwards and forwards besides curse-breakers, and there aren't many of us out there. And the thing is, there weren't just hieroglyphics on Snape's chart -- there were other ancient languages and symbols as well. I'd love to spend some time researching the other markings Snape's discovered... I've no idea what it could all possibly mean. Snape's got some theories, which are entirely mindblowing, and I'd like to gather more data and figure out if his theories actually have a basis in truth.

So yeah, I had a long conversation with Snape that didn't end in me threatening him bodily harm. That in itself is unbelievable as well.

But the worst of it is that Remus stopped by when Snape was here.

It was really fucking awful. I put my foot in it -- I just let him in, and I had no idea he didn't know about Sirius' tattoos. Why doesn't he know? What does it mean, that he and Sirius are together, but he hasn't noticed them -- or, that he hasn't had the chance to see them? And why hasn't Sirius told him -- or why hasn't Snape, for that matter?

I suppose I know the answer to that one. Snape despises Remus, really completely loathes him. When Remus came in, it was as if Snape completely shut down. Snape went from talking with more animation than I've ever seen, to practically spitting venom the minute Remus arrived. I'm not sure what to make of that either. I've never seen Snape so passionate about anything before -- both on the journals and in person. The marks are fascinating, to be sure, but I can't help but get the feeling that there's something else there, something else driving his fascination, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

But Remus -- I could tell Remus was really hurt. I've never had a reason to withhold anything from him before, and now this... I tried to tell him it wasn't my place to tell him why Snape was there, and I think he understood, but I felt right miserable nonetheless. As if we needed something else to make things more awkward between us.

Additionally, there's the matter of Ron's eyes, which are completely green for no reason anyone can see. Remus told me that Ron, Harry and Hermione came to him about it -- at least they told someone this time. I've been spending most of my time working on eliminating curses as the cause, but it's slow and tedious, and I haven't found anything it could be -- just found lots of things it isn't. I'm glad Remus came to see me about it. I just hope I haven't buggered things up horribly now by helping Snape as well.

So here's the kicker. Last night when I got back to my room, after an evening in the library trying to research curses that might affect eye colour, a bottle was sitting on my desk with a note. Neatest handwriting I've ever seen -- I almost thought it might have come out of one of these computer things. Simply said, "Thank you."

It looks like Ogden's. I've opened it, and it smells even better. I cast all manner of curse, hex, jinx, and poison detection spells on it and it comes up clean. Far as I can tell it's some sort of firewhiskey homebrew... so I was thinking of taking it to the Potions Master to see what it really was, when it dawned on me.

He sent it.

Will wonders never cease.

Sod it, I think I'm going to give it a taste.

far away, so close.

2004-07-30T05:18:15Z

Sometimes I think it's not so bad, that I'll be all right. I get up and have a smoke and a shower and I think, it's another day, this is the day I'll feel better. And I make it down to breakfast and then he's there, and just seeing him makes me feel like one of the old tomb curses hit me somewhere deep inside. We manage this sort of thin cheerful smile at each other and I have no idea what he might be feeling. Is he happy with Sirius, and just feeling sorry for me? Is he trying to forget what we had? Or does he feel... like I do?

I don't even know what I'd want him to be feeling, to be honest. I just want him to be happy, and if he feels like this, he's a far cry from it.

The full moon's in a few days and I can see it in his eyes a bit, and in the way he moves, just slightly. No idea why I never noticed these things before. I know Sirius will help him through it, far better than I could at any rate. But I still can't help wishing I could do something.

So I'm still here. I know I should pack up and get back to London, but I can't make myself go. Something is holding me here, keeping me in this room up all night smoking packs of fags and walking around the lake and drifting round the library. Everyone is here now, Charlie and Ron and Ginny, the twins in Hogsmeade, and... he's here. And even though I don't want to see him, I have to. Something makes me go down to breakfast, even if I feel like shite, even if it means I can't make it to lunch or supper after that.

I try to distract myself, because maybe if I pretend I'm all right, I will be, right?

Right. And if anyone believes that, I've got a Quibbler subscription they might be interested in as well.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-07-19T22:22:00

2004-07-20T05:21:42Z

When I was in Egypt my old boss asked me if I'd come back. Said they needed me, that I was the only one for jobs like this. And I thought about it. I thought about the desert and the big open sky and the smell of cold crypt air that shoots right through you like raw magic, and the thrill of breaking a curse a hundred times older than you are.

Then I thought of Ron and Charlie and the twins and Gin and Mum and Dad and even Percy -- sod it, I do love the git.

And then I thought of Remus.

And I knew I couldn't stay in Egypt. I can go back, but I can't live there again. I'm thirty fucking years old and I don't want to move around anymore. I want to be near the people I love.

And I realised, stuck in that godforsaken cursed hole, that I do love him. I don't know how it came to this, but somewhere along the line, I... fell in love. Goddamit.

Sirius.

He was dead. I was bloody well devastated when it happened. And now I'm sitting here hating myself for wishing things were back the way they were, that he was gone again. It's not right.

None of this is right.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-06-27T16:45:00

2004-06-27T23:45:49Z

I haven't had much chance to update this thing because I went off looking for Ron right after that cursed evil bitch posted in the journal project. Charlie met up with me and we just started roaming, looking everywhere we could think of. But it turns out the twins had a fit of sheer brilliance and made some sort of map with Mum's clock, and they FOUND RON. It's hard to take those two seriously but I've never doubted that behind their insanity lurks some sort of inspired bizarre genius. You never know when they'll choose to use it, but I'm bloody well glad they did this time.

And Snape -- my God, Snape saved the three of them. I suppose it teaches me to trust Dumbledore's judgement in a person. I still hate the greasy-haired git, but I won't forget what he did for them. Me and Charlie dropped everything and went with Remus to get him out of there, and I'd do it again.

So last weekend was a mess of sorting things out and seeing family and attempting to eat and sleep again. I was so relieved after Ron got back to school that I went into my room and slept for almost a day I think. Ron seemed all right, oddly quiet; I could tell he was badly shaken but trying to hide it, and there wasn't much to do but let him get settled in again in his own time.

But then he came and got me and Charlie on Tuesday night, and he told us.

I was... I've never felt so angry before in my life. Not even when I went tearing off to find Ron in the middle of the night. Not even when Snape was insulting Mum. Not in any of the fights I've had the pleasure of getting into. I don't even want to write about it really, because I'll get worked up again and start pummeling walls.

Ron is just torn up completely. Asked to sleep with me and Charlie that night. I can't remember the last time he's done that. Possibly he never has. And the worst of it is, I don't know what to do for him. I can be there, I can talk to him, but I can't ever erase what THAT WOMAN did to him. What she made him do. And then we had to tell Dad. I think that was the worst conversation I've ever had in my life.

But Remus... if it wasn't for Remus, God knows what I would have done over the past week. I thought he'd kill me for going after Bellatrix in the middle of the night, but he didn't. We went together with Charlie to get Snape. And all the while he must have been thinking of Sirius... it was a year ago Monday that Sirius fell through the veil. I sat with him then, and tried to do what I could to be there, but I didn't want to get in his way... but I think it may have helped him somehow, just to have someone else there. I can't imagine what it must be like for him.

And then after Ron told me... I found Remus. I couldn't even help it. It's like I see him and everything I'm thinking just pours out of me. I've never done this with anyone else before, not even my very best mates. With Remus, somehow, I couldn't put on a front if I tried. Anyway, I think he may have put a Silencing charm on his quarters that night, I was so out of my mind. But he was there, and by some miracle he even managed to talk me down a bit. No idea how he did it, because everything that happened right after Ron told us was a bit of a blur. I couldn't make it to meals or get to sleep again.

So last night I stopped by Remus' rooms, and we started talking, as usual... and he got my mind off things, somehow. He reminded me that I've got to take care of myself... he let me think about other things for a while, which, as it turns out, I really needed. Being with him is just brilliant. It's a little scary how good it feels.

He let me sleep over, after that. Nothing really happened. But I slept.

And somehow, this morning, things seem a bit better. Tonks is coming for a visit. The twins are up to their usual insanity. And I've got to get a few good meals in somehow, because I've been chatting with Charlie and he's going to kick my arse at arm-wrestling in my weakened state.

Well, he'll likely win anyway, but at least I've got to put up a good fight.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-06-13T22:01:00

2004-06-14T05:01:22Z

I feel like I'm walking around on a wire, like I'm so hair-triggered that the littlest thing will make me explode. And last night Remus caught the worst of it.

He came over to talk, and my whole place looks like shite, stuff everywhere. I look like complete hell. And Remus started prodding me about eating and sleeping and not smoking, when Ron's MISSING and who the fuck cares if I'm smoking?? and I just lost it. Punched the wall -- there's a dent in the plaster, I'll have to apologise to Filch -- and bruised my knuckles doing it. I couldn't believe he was talking to me about my health like there was nothing else to be bothered about, and on top of what Snape said the other night -- carrying on as if Ron wasn't important in the least -- I just snapped.

I know I've got a bloody awful temper, but why did Remus have to see it?

He was right though. He's always right. I don't do anyone any good if I'm coughing up a lung or sitting around staring at an empty bottle. It's a damn cowardly thing to do, sit and self-destruct. Part of me just wanted to push him away and say SOD OFF, LET ME WORK THIS OUT ALONE. I don't do well with someone watching over me, I never have.

I expected him to storm out, after what I said; I really thought he'd just shut the door and leave me punching walls. But he was just there... not judging me, not wanting anything, just there... and I realised he wasn't going anywhere. It was... I still don't know what to make of it.

I think I must have dropped off on the couch last night while we were talking. Slept like a dead man. First real night's sleep I've had since Ron... I hope Remus didn't mind. Feel some better though.

The twins have some insane plot they're hatching, and for once I don't mind, if they lead us to any clues about what's happened. I trust them not to endanger themselves too much, but I can't help worrying about them as well. Sometimes they get in over their heads and I hope to Merlin they know what they're doing.

I keep thinking about him, and what he might be doing right now, and hoping that wherever he is, he's had something to eat, that no one's hurt him too much. And then I wish like mad that it was me instead of him.

Still smoking, but only two after supper so far.

We'll see how it goes.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-06-01T21:40:00

2004-06-02T04:40:35Z

So I've told most everyone about Remus, I think. Not how I expected things to happen. Not how I wanted things to happen.

I nearly had to tell the entire population of Hogwarts thanks to Ron broadcasting it all over the bloody journals without stopping to think what he might be doing. I about fucking lost it over that one, and I didn't much like being put in a situation that required me nearly chopping his head off in public. I love Ron to bits, but his brain takes a long vacation to Tasmania when he's hacked off. I know Weasley blood runs pretty hot and impulsive, but bloody hell, take a moment to think before alerting the entire school that your brother is dating the DADA professor. It's not that I mind people knowing, but I'd rather break the news quietly once I get my own head around the situation and not before.

But that's over and done now.

Talked to Charlie and it went far better than I'd expected. Charlie is just... well, if he wasn't my brother he'd be one of my best mates anyway. One sane brother out of five isn't bad, right? (Well, mostly sane, anyway.) When I told him about Remus I could tell he was surprised, but not the least bit upset or squeamish about it. He's been one of the only ones to understand that I think of Remus as Remus and not as some radical experiment in my own sexuality. We were even able to move on and discuss other things -- Ron for example; he's worried about him also. Helped loads to talk about that as well, and get it off my chest. Thank God for Charlie.

Tonks was... sad, I think. We were both sad. I really do enjoy all the great little flings we have, and while Remus isn't forcing me into anything, I just don't think it would be wise to continue seeing her in that way when I'm trying to suss things out in my life. But she was Tonks and she tried to be understanding and even cheerful about it, bless her. I think she'd wear pink and purple spots permanently if I asked her. In a way I wish I'd fallen in love with her -- it would have been so easy. But I don't think you can control things like that. At least that's what I think now.

Mum and Dad were fairly gobsmacked, let's be honest. But they took it rather well. I think my dad was really at a loss and not sure of what to say about it. I'm not sure how Mum feels either, but I'd guess she thinks it's just a phase of mine, like she always does. The long hair, the clothes, the curse-breaking: all "just phases." Never mind that I'm thirty years old, she'll assume it's like the time I refused to eat asparagus when I was six. That's just as well though, she's pretty damn tolerant of my phases, because she imagines they'll be over soon and I'll come to my senses.

I tried to chat with Ron, and although it didn't go as badly as I'd feared, it wasn't all good either. I didn't have to stun him or hit him with a Leg-Locker to make him sit and listen to me. But he clammed up pretty quickly after I told him and seems pretty freaked out about it. He's mostly worried about Harry, which I understand, but he won't say much more than that, and of course he won't talk to me about anything going on in his life either. He's so bloody stubborn. At least I got him to agree to play chess with me sometime, and I hope that'll loosen him up a bit. God, I remember when he used to beg me to play chess, and now it's practically the reverse.

The rest of the family... not sure how they feel either. They've always thought I was a bit out of my gourd, so maybe this isn't a shock, I dunno. And Percy... I haven't told Percy at all. No idea what he'd say, but... I'm not sure he'd really care too much about it. He seems so wrapped up in his job these days.

Anyway.

Remus and I had a long chat about everything, and I suppose it's good that we got a lot of this out in the open, because there's been a lot more emotional muck to deal with than I'd ever realised. It seemed so harmless at first, the two of us, and so simple, and then everything sort of fell on us like a ton of bricks: Harry. Ron. Sirius. My family. And it's a bloody full moon this week, after all of that. I hope there's something I can do to help... I know what Sirius could do during the full moon, and I find myself wishing I could help Remus in the same way, and I'm frustrated that I can't. I'm not sure if I should be there for him, or clear out of his way for a while.

I suppose I'll find out in a few days.

Meanwhile I'm burning through fags like a fiend and I'm nearly out of firewhiskey. Off to Owl for more of both.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-05-26T23:41:00

2004-05-27T06:41:15Z

It's been a long time since something's shaken my world view entirely, but in the past few weeks I feel like someone's decided to shatter my life and toss the pieces on the floor and say "Here, see what you can make of this, you poor bastard."'

Ron's a Seer. I can't get my head around it. I've read every book in the library on the subject and none of it seems quite real. I can fully comprehend the texts about visions and the like and then I think "that's what Ron's got" and I just can't grapple with it. When I think of Ron I think of him as a five-year-old running to get me because Fred and George just hexed his pants up onto the roof or something. I think of him tagging along after me and Charlie and the twins and begging us to let him play Quidditch. And we'd tell him he wasn't old enough or good enough or fast enough, and then he'd come along and play Keeper anyway since we wouldn't let him play anything else, and he'd do a fine job of it and show us for being wankers.

I can't think of Ron in so much pain, or seeing such frightening things. I'd never wish it on anyone, much less Ron, and I can't do anything about it and I've no idea how to help him. And it's driving me around the bend because I want to do something and he'll barely let me talk to him. He's totally shut me out.

So there's that.

And then there's Remus.

When I'm with him everything seems brilliant, and so right, and then I go back to my room and stay up for hours trying to figure out why I'm snogging another bloke.

Because I'm not gay, I never have been. I keep saying to myself, "I'm gay. Bill Weasley is gay." And it's not true. I know it would feel like the right thing to say if it was true, but it's not. I'm attracted to certain people, and ninety-eight percent of them have been women, and the other two percent... There was Gavin, once, in Egypt, but I never made much of it really, we were both high as kites and he was my best mate at the time. We lost touch after I left Egypt, but it's the only thing I have to compare to Remus.

Gavin and I went through hell together, we'd been in a thousand crypts on the same teams and watched each other nearly die more than once. Everyone in Egypt was really close, you've got to trust your team in situations like that, but Gavin and I would get off work and sit outside some deserted tomb and smoke Egyptian ophelian, and with that stuff you get to know people better than you know yourself, almost. One night he found us some pixie dust and we sat out in the desert all night with the stars spinning overhead, just out of our minds, and I'd never felt so close to anyone, not even Fleur when things were serious. Not nearly the same. And it was probably the dust, but lines sort of got blurred and we lay in the sand and kissed a few times, and it somehow made sense. He was so much more than my mate.

And that's how it feels with Remus really. I'm attracted to him because of how I feel about him. I know the kind of person he is and for that reason he seems dead sexy to me. I can't explain it any other way. It would be loads easier if he was a girl, I mean, I'd probably be picking out a ring in two months' time.

But he's not.

I've always wanted to fall in love with a girl and get married. Married with seven kids. If I lived long enough.

And now I'm sitting here thinking that I'm bloody well falling for a man, a man who's ten years older and a werewolf.

I didn't ask for this. But this is what's happened. If this keeps on like it has... I'll have to tell my family, I'll have to tell my parents. They'll think I've lost my mind.

Shite. Maybe I have.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-05-22T20:07:00

2004-05-23T03:05:50Z

I've got Charms parchments to grade and a lesson to prepare for tomorrow, but I can't concentrate on any of it. I saw this today, and... bloody hell, it's all I've thought about all day.

I haven't really had a serious talk with Ron about what's happened -- the Prophet article, the Seeing, the magic loss of all things -- because I didn't want to crowd him, and I didn't want to force him into talking about things that might upset him.

But I need to know that he's all right, and he needs to know that he can talk to me if he wants to, about anything really. I don't know shite about Seeing but I'm not sure anyone does, and it's just struck me that if Ron wants to talk about it, I need to learn everything I can. I'm just not sure how to approach him without coming off as a meddling older brother. Which I am.

Far too much to think about. This is my seventh sodding fag of the night; I'll have to send an Owl for more tomorrow.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-05-11T16:42:00

2004-05-11T23:44:36Z

I never thought this would happen.

I'm kissing someone and it's different than anything else I've experienced. It's so... intense, and yet it's easy and relaxed and just so damn GREAT. And it's Remus.

This is just fucking nuts, is what it is.

I've been trying to carry on this week, and thankfully it's been loads of work starting to cover Flitwick's classes, or else I'd probably be mooning around all day thinking about him, no pun intended. I'm really trying to keep things casual, not get too tangled up in him, in what's going on... but it's taking everything I've got just to take it easy. And I don't know what I'm doing. I've kissed men, but haven't done much else. If we do anything... it will be new to me. I feel like I'm fifteen years old, for Merlin's sake.

And what does it mean? I've been walking around school all week looking at other men, trying to figure out if I've really been gay all this time, or if it's just an anomaly. But I haven't discovered anything I didn't already know. Flitwick: Odd little short guy. Students: Far too young for me, male or female. Professor Snape: Ugly as sin. Hagrid: Love the bloke, but you have got to be kidding. Oh, and Ciara Sinistra: Still damn attractive, although I'm really not interested in one of her casual evenings at the moment.

So I don't know. I just don't. And I can't even think about what this might mean if this got serious.

Back to reviewing Charms texts for now.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-04-27T13:46:00

2004-04-27T20:48:29Z

I'm thirty years old, you'd think I'd know myself pretty well by now. But I suppose I bloody well don't.

Things are going well, right? Dad's been elected Minister of all things. Charlie's moved in with me and we're having a blast living together. I see Tonks all the time and we often get together, in a casual sort of way, but let's face it, she's really attractive and dead funny... it's been lovely these past few months. No real commitment, just a damn good time, and I really do adore the girl. There have been times when I've imagined that we could get more serious, but after that debacle with Fleur I'm happy to be in a relationship without serious emotional strings attached.

So what in Merlin's name is going on when I find myself caught up in conversation with Remus till all hours of the night, and I turn around and he's really close to me and I bloody well want to kiss him like I've never wanted to kiss anyone before?

This isn't the first time this has happened, either. When I was the guest lecturer for his DADA classes and we were setting up the practical lesson in the dungeon, we had a weird moment of sorts, and I just wrote it off to being tired. But last night something almost happened. I'm sure of it, I mean I've been in those situations before, but nothing this... intense.

I don't understand. Whenever I'm with Remus I just open up and keep talking, it's not like being with anyone else. And he talks too, and I just feel so relaxed and so... me. And it's not like I haven't experimented with men in the past, but it was never anything serious, I mean I've never really been attracted to another man before.

Maybe I never met the right one.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-03-12T21:42:00

2004-03-13T06:03:27Z

So the teaching gig is going rather well. If it weren't for the fact that I miss the action of real tombs so much, I'd actually consider it as a career. Well, I suppose I can do it after retiring from field work. If I ever retire!

It's been a laugh spending time with Remus this week as well. Though he's quite a bit older than I am he doesn't seem it -- when we're talking sometimes I forget that he's not one of my mates from Egypt or from school. He's just easy to be around, and I find myself telling him things I've never put into words before. Maybe it's that he's a good listener, and he doesn't pretend to be anyone other than who he is. He's straightforward, and I like that in a person. And he's been through a lot, but you'd never hear him complaining.

Plus, he has excellent taste in drinks. Always important.

I'll head back to my flat tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to seeing Tonks. She's the one other person I can relax with, but it's different with her than with Remus. With Tonks it's more of a lark, nothing's too serious. I don't need to talk about my problems much; I'd rather just forget them when I'm with her. It's been nice that we've become a bit more than friends, without getting hung up in a whole messy relationship. With Fleur everything was always so intense, so serious. With Tonks it's all in fun, and I'd rather not have strings attached at the moment after Fleur. Fleur had enough strings to knit a bloody jumper.

The weird thing is, there was this moment when Remus and I were setting up the practical lesson... we both sort of backed into each other and then helped each other up, and we looked at each other, and... it was odd. Intense. Not like I've felt in a while.

But I've been dead tired after teaching lessons, I'm sure it was just that. Or the rich Hogwarts food addling my thoughts. Got to head to bed, tomorrow afternoon I need to give Remus the student evaluations for the week and I've barely started.

egyptian_bill @ 2004-02-01T19:59:00

2004-02-02T03:42:58Z

It looks like Charlie's going to be all right, but he's still unconscious. I spent the better part of the day at St. Mungo's and I'll be there first thing tomorrow if I can. I want to be there when he wakes up.

I'm so sorry for everything. All the attacks today. I keep playing everything over in my head... what I could have done differently... Merlin. I'm just... Ron, could you please tell Hermione how sorry I am? I'd like to talk to her sometime. It doesn't have to be soon or anything, just whenever she feels up to it.

I'm so happy for Dad. It was quite something, finding out about it at St.Mungo's and all.

Why'd it have to be Charlie? It should have been me</ia>.

...

2004-01-15T03:00:07Z

Bloody awful day.

I wish I could forget everything I've seen, but I can't, in fact it's what I have to think about at the moment.

I hope I never live through another day like this again.