egyptian_bill @ 2004-09-29T22:19:00

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

I'd say some shite about how I've been too busy to write in here, except that would take too much time and I've got far too much to sort out at the moment, so it's best to get right into it.

Remus.

Remus came to see me last week to tell me that he and Sirius had broken up. I don't think I had even entertained the idea that they'd call it off, so it's come as something of a shock. Part of me feels relieved, but part of me feels fairly awful. They were together for years, I can hardly think of one without the other really. Best mates at school even. And even though Remus told me it wasn't on my account, I can't help feeling guilty regardless.

But he also told me he'd chosen me.

And that feels fucking great. It feels like I'm alive again in a way. Like I had been just drifting, or waiting for something... and now I'm here again. Everything's chaos as usual, I still can't sleep, a million things are about to fly apart, but I'm here. I dunno why Remus makes me feel like this but I'm beyond questioning it. I know he needs time now, and if I'm going to be honest about it, I probably need a bit of time as well, but waiting won't be easy. Every time I see him it's all I can do not to smile like an idiot.

There's only one thing that's not right yet... Remus stopped by the other night to tell me that Sirius spent the full moon with him. Nothing happened between them, of course -- I trust Remus -- but I can't help thinking... that should be me. I want to be there for him. I know it'll be a while before Remus lets me see him transform, and I know the Wolfsbane potion makes it relatively safe... I'm not afraid, but I know Remus has been having nightmares about hurting people and he's right uneasy about letting me be there, for that reason.

So I've had an idea, and I'm going to see Professor McGonagall about it first thing tomorrow. I just hope I have time to do it, and that I can do it in secret without Remus knowing, because I'm not sure if he'd approve... but I've got to do it. For Remus.

So there's that. And a million other things. People in the castle are still falling into the 'sleeping death,' so to speak, and Professor Sinistra was one of the latest which is terrifying. Hermione almost did the other day and it scared the shite out of me, and I'm sure it scared Ron a thousand times worse. Snape's been doing a lot of research and it seems he's onto something. I hope we figure out what the hell to do before everyone succumbs to... Them, to whatever's got a hold on this castle.

Everything's all linked to Sirius somehow, and it seems he's both holding it together and falling apart, it's impossible to tell. I can't say how glad I was to see him post what he did. I just hope Remus hasn't put himself into a difficult position by supporting him... I had a bit of a row with Snape about that. Well, all right, not "a bit of a row." I wanted to hex him sideways after what he said, and I very nearly did when I ran into him in the hall Sunday night.

But we ended up drinking all night instead. In one of the most brilliant rooms I've seen in this castle, at that. The wine cellar. And Snape is just... I can't explain it. One minute I'm looking at him and seeing red and feeling like I'm a breath away from throttling him, and the next minute we're insulting each other over drinks and then an hour later I'm telling him shite I haven't even told Tonks or Charlie yet, and he's telling me things I'm certain he hasn't told anyone either. It's... I dunno. He's Snape and yet... we're going through the same thing right now. Except he's determined to keep his silence and sit in his dungeon, and I really wish he wouldn't. I say that without knowing what on earth Sirius would possibly say if Snape came clean to him... but something like that shouldn't be left unsaid forever.

I did tell Tonks and Charlie tonight about how things stand with Remus now. They seemed... even more comfortable together than usual. I dunno, maybe I was just looking for something there, since Tonks told me how she felt about Charlie a while back. I'm probably imagining things, my head's not on straight these days what with everything going on.

I've been so distracted I haven't gotten around to chatting with Ron or Gin or Mum or Dad, and I've got to get things straight with Ron and Ginny about the Order. I haven't known what to tell them, it's all so dependent on Harry knowing Occlumency and I'm not sure they'll accept that as an answer. I can't full well tell them I don't trust them not to talk to Harry about things... but the thing is, I'm not sure I do trust them not to talk to Harry, even if everything depends on it. And I'm not sure they'd want to be in that position anyway. But I do need to get things straight with them. I think they might have expected I'd be able to do more about getting them into the Order. I hope they'll understand, but the trick is that they're Weasleys and we've got a bit of a temper sometimes.

Oh yeah, before I forget. I had a really interesting conversation with Zacharias Smith the other night, it turns out he's quite a music fan, and plays a Fender as well! We've got to chat sometime, it'll be a welcome distraction to talk music with someone.

Gah. My head's about to explode from getting all this down. Need a fag. And a bit of guitar practise.

Bill Weasley

egyptian_bill @ 2004-09-29T22:19:00